The power of No
Many of us discover our own neurotype while trying to understand and support our children. For me, that discovery came alongside peri-menopause. At the same time all the coping mechanisms I’d carefully stashed away to help me function in a world that doesn’t always feel comfortable suddenly fell away.
It felt like accidentally walking under a waterfall I didn’t know was there with nothing to keep me dry. Bonus points if you’re also parenting neurodivergent children going through puberty (oh, how Mother Nature laughs at us).
I’ve been lucky. My children have taught me so much about myself that I don’t think I would ever have realised without them. I have never regretted learning how my brain works and how to gently reframe things to help me grow.
One of the things I’ve learned is that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). In simple terms, this means my brain can interpret very small things as total rejection, instantly and convincingly. Not being included in an event can become, “they don’t like me.” Not being asked to be in a photo on a night out can become “I’m not important in this group.”
Many neurodivergent people experience RSD. And, as with so many things, understanding what my brain is doing has helped. I can now notice those thoughts, recognise them for what they are, and gently move past them. Everyone does not hate me — that is my nervous system trying to protect me by scanning for threat. Alongside this, I have a strong desire to make others happy and fix things for them — classic people pleasing. For a long time, I put everyone else’s needs before my own — not just close friends and family, but pretty much anyone. I still care deeply about people feeling safe and supported by me, whether we’ve met once or known each other for years. What’s changed is that I no longer do this to my own detriment.
I used to believe that if I said no, I would be letting people down. That they wouldn’t like me. That I’d end up with no friends. I’ve hit burnout many times because of this. When I had children and they needed me more than strangers did, I realised I had to become more boundaried and protect my resources.
I still find saying no difficult. But I now know it’s okay.
I can say:
No, sorry, I need an evening at home.
No, sorry, I’ll be too tired.
Reducing what I commit to has also meant I let people down far less, because I’m not constantly over-stretching or double-booking myself (most of the time).
The real point of this blog is simple: it is okay to say no.
If a professional suggests a visit time that doesn’t work, it is okay to say, “That doesn’t work for me.”
I got caught out by this repeatedly with my daughter’s school. When the SENCo asked for meetings, I’d often say something like, “It’s difficult because I’ll have just finished an overnight, but if there’s no other option I can make it work.” What she heard was yes — and that’s fair, because that’s what I’d said.
What I actually needed to say was no.
Another time would almost certainly have been offered. It might not have been the SENCo’s preferred time, but it would have been one that worked for both of us. Instead, this pattern created tension. I felt unheard, and I was often tired, less patient, and more abrupt in those meetings. When I’m rested, I’m far more measured and thoughtful in how I communicate.
The SENCo was responding to my words. I was being vague. No is not vague.
It’s also okay to give yourself space before committing. Saying something like, “I just need to check my calendar before I confirm,” is a complete sentence. It allows you to check whether something genuinely works for you — not just whether you can force yourself to endure it.
Where saying yes props up broken systems
I’ve also seen the cost of not saying no from the other side — as a social worker. When I worked in an assessment team, I regularly held more families than others. We had allocation meetings where managers would outline new referrals and ask who had capacity. When no one volunteered — and people said they didn’t have space — I would often say I could take it.
My assumption was that everyone else was being honest. That they were as stretched as I was, also working beyond capacity. And at the end of the day, this was a family who needed help. Someone had to do it. So that someone was usually me.
I worked long hours, many unpaid. I didn’t take proper breaks. I carried constant stress — not just from the complexity and emotional weight of the work, but from the relentless pressure of meeting timescales with an impossible workload.
What I later realised was that not everyone was working with the same mindset — and that work was not being fairly distributed.
Yes, there were clear flaws in the allocation system. Realistically, allocations should have been made by managers to workers with the right skill set and the capacity. But I can now see that my goodwill and strong work ethic were quietly exploited. I didn’t advocate for myself. I should have said no.
And this matters — because when professionals say yes and absorb the pressure, the system appears to function. Targets are met. Waiting lists move. On paper, things look manageable. But the cost is carried by the individual.
When we work unpaid hours, skip breaks, and push through exhaustion, we mask the problem. The system flows, and the worker suffers. Services are not held accountable because the shortfall is hidden.
Sometimes systems have to fail to show that they need support. Funding and staffing are not increased unless need is clearly demonstrated. I know budgets are tight. I know local authorities are under enormous financial strain, with deficits and debts under constant scrutiny. But we are not individually responsible for holding broken systems together at the expense of our health.
Saying no is not a failure of professionalism.
It is professional integrity.
For parents and professionals alike
I’ve seen parents who push themselves at work because of RSD, people-pleasing, or a desire to be “seen as reliable,” only to be undervalued or taken advantage of. Sometimes their line manager focuses solely on their need to reduce hours, work flexibly, or leave at short notice because of their child’s needs — without recognising the enormous value and contribution they are already making.
This is exactly why saying no is so important. It protects your energy, your wellbeing, and your ability to engage meaningfully — at home, at work, and in the wider system.
Here’s what this really comes down to:
· When we say yes when we shouldn’t, the system looks like it’s working but it isn’t.
· Over-functioning individuals prop up under resourced systems.
· Goodwill masks failure.
· Burnout is not a personal flaw, it’s often evidence of systemic misuse.
· If we never say no, nothing ever changes.
Saying no protects your capacity, your sanity, and the quality of your contribution. It allows systems to be held accountable and gives space for real change to happen — for individuals and for families alike.
Saying no isn’t selfish.
It’s ethical.
And sometimes, it’s the most caring thing you can do.
Children’s book recommendations
Here are some books that are great for children and either include neurodivergent characters or have an neurodivergent theme.
*as ever, none of these are sponsored, just books we love!
When schools get it right
Among the stories of school battles and unmet needs, I wanted to share something different – the moments across their different schools (infant, Junior and Secondary) got it right for my autistic child. These aren’t grand expensive interventions, just thoughtful consistent actions.
Pre-diagnosis and recognising their social struggles, giving them a clipboard at breaktime with a quiz on it to give them a focus.
Giving them a “job” to help listen to the younger children read before school. They felt important and needed and it helped boost their confidence.
The teacher taking time to check in that they understood a task after setting it to the class, not assuming they did as they stayed quiet.
The young maths teacher who hands out blu-tac to children at the start of each lesson so that they have something to fidget with.
The member of staff who when they were being bullied casually asked them at lunch “do you want to stay with me this lunchtime?”
The same member of staff (who taught them in a previous year) who makes a point of patiently stopping and chatting to them each day, bantering with them and making them laugh each day.
Their art teacher who knowing they were going through a tough time asked if they wanted to go to the art room at lunchtime where the older GCSE students (two of whom were their friends) were allowed to be at lunch.
Movement breaks.
Uniform infractions are ignored! That their blazer is not always on is ignored.
That trampolining in PE is their idea of hell is understood. They aren’t made to do it.
In Spanish, they won’t speak out loud in that language in front of the class. That’s understood and any oral tests are done in private.
Teachers don’t “cold call” them and put them on the spot in a lesson.
In Science, the lovely teacher writes notes back and forth to them if they are upset. They feel safe writing it down rather than it being overheard by other students.
Rather than being made to go outside at breaktimes, they and their friend are allowed to walk the school corridors allowing them quiet and space to regulate.
They are never told off for being late to school or class.
Every member of staff in the school knows their name (in a good way I hope!) and they all say “good morning”, “lovely to see you”, fist pump them and made them feel valued and welcomed in the school.
No school is perfect, and no child’s journey is without bumps along the way. But, along the way there are moments where staff really saw them. Not just the struggles but their spark. Those moments make them feel safe, understood and genuinely cared for. And they are worth shining a light on. Its also these little acts of understanding and kindness that balance out the more difficult aspects of being at school and help build their resilience. To get all Socialworky, the protective factors for them at school. And for this I am endlessly grateful.
National Resources List
National Autistic Society – Professional Resources
Guidance for professionals working with autistic children and adults
Toolkits, training resources, and research briefings
🌐 https://www.autism.org.uk/professionals
ADHD Foundation – Professional Resources
ND-informed training, webinars, and consultancy for schools, social care, health and workplaces
Evidence-based practice guides
🌐 https://www.adhdfoundation.org.uk/professionals
Ambitious about Autism – Professional Guidance
Best practice guides for education, transitions, social care
Research summaries and resources for multi-agency teams
🌐 https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/professionals
Contact (formerly Contact a Family) – Professional Support
Resources on disability rights, benefits, social care law, and family support
Toolkits for working with parents and carers
🌐 https://contact.org.uk/professionals
Council for Disabled Children (CDC)
National umbrella organisation for children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND)
Evidence-based guidance for professionals and local authorities
🌐 https://councilfordisabledchildren.org.uk
The British Dyslexia Association – Professional Advice
Guidance for schools, social care, and health teams on supporting dyslexic children
Training resources and evidence-based practice tools
🌐 https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/professionals
Dyspraxia Foundation – Professional Resources
ND-informed guidance and professional training for dyspraxia support in children and adults
🌐 https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/professionals
Mental Health & Crisis Support Guidance for Professionals
PAPYRUS – HOPELINE247
Guidance on supporting children and young people at risk of suicide
Advice for professionals on safeguarding, referrals, and crisis management
🌐 https://www.papyrus-uk.org
Samaritans – Professional Guidance
Resources for professionals supporting those in distress or at risk
🌐 https://www.samaritans.org/professionals
Mind – Workplace & Professional Resources
Mental health information, training and toolkits for supporting families and staff
🌐 https://www.mind.org.uk
Additional Professional Support & Networks
Neurodiversity UK – Professional Network
Peer network, events and ND-informed practice resources
🌐 https://neurodiversityuk.co.uk
Autism Central – Professional Directory & Resources
National database of services and guidance for professionals
🌐 https://www.autismcentral.org.uk
Emotional Wellbeing & Crisis Support (UK-Wide)
Available to children, young people and adults
PAPYRUS – HOPELINE247
(For children and young people under 35)
📞 0800 068 4141
📱 Text 07860 039967
🕒 24/7 support
Confidential support for young people experiencing suicidal thoughts
Advice and support for parents and carers
🌐 https://www.papyrus-uk.org
Shout – Text Support
📱 Text SHOUT to 85258
🕒 24/7
Free, confidential text support for anyone in emotional distress
🌐 https://www.giveusashout.org
Samaritans
📞 116 123
🕒 24/7
Emotional support for anyone struggling or feeling overwhelmed
🌐 https://www.samaritans.org
Childline
(For children and young people under 19)
📞 0800 1111
🕒 24/7
Confidential counselling by phone or online chat
🌐 https://www.childline.org.uk
NHS Urgent Mental Health Support
📞 NHS 111 → Option 2
Immediate mental health support for all ages
🌐 https://www.nhs.uk
📚 Further Information & Signposting
Autism Central
National autism information hub and directory
🌐 https://www.autismcentral.org.uk
Afasic
Support for speech, language and communication needs
🌐 https://www.afasic.org.uk
UK Police Neurodiversity / Autism Alert Card Schemes (2026)
How this works:
Most UK police forces offer alert cards or similar communication aids so officers can recognise and respond more appropriately to neurodivergent people (often autism, communication needs, sensory differences).
National Police Autism Association
National & Multi-Force Schemes
Tri-Force Autism Alert Card (London)
For: Metropolitan Police, City of London Police & British Transport Police
Description: Autism alert card & passport identifying autism and communication needs.
Access: Email autism@met.police.uk to request/apply.
National Police Autism Association
Regional / Force Schemes (England & Wales)
Anglia (Essex, Suffolk, Norfolk, Cambridgeshire, Hertfordshire & Bedfordshire)
Scheme: Autism Alert Card (Autism Anglia)
Description: Card to show police/emergency services that holder is autistic and may need support.
Apply: 🖥️ https://www.autism-anglia.org.uk/our-services/autism-alert-card/
Autism Anglia
Thames Valley (Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Milton Keynes)
Scheme: Thames Valley Autism Alert Card
Description: Free card to explain autism and communication needs to officers or other responders.
Apply: 🖥️ https://www.autismberkshire.org.uk/thames-valley-autism-alert-card/ �
Autism Berkshire
West / Central England (Staffordshire, West Midlands, West Mercia, Warwickshire & British Transport Police)
Scheme: Autism Alert Card (regional)
Description: Credit-card style autism alert card recognised by local forces; includes emergency contact details.
Apply: Online form via your local force (e.g., Staffordshire Police).
Humberside Police
Scheme: Neurodiversity Alert Card
Description: Card to communicate neurodivergent needs (eg autism) to officers; includes space for contacts and personal info.
Obtain: Free from local police stations or download.
South Yorkshire Police
Scheme: Autism Alert / Learning Disability / Mental Health Alert Cards
Description: Free cards to help police and emergency services understand specific needs and how to communicate effectively.
Apply: See South Yorkshire Police alert card downloads page.
South Yorkshire Police
Leeds (West Yorkshire Police)
Scheme: Leeds Autism Alert Card
Description: Coproduced card to help communicate autism needs (name, communication preferences, emergency contact).
Apply: 🖥️ https://leedsautismaim.org.uk/resources/leeds-autism-alert-card/
Leeds Autism AIM
Other / Multi-Force Supportive Schemes
Pegasus Card
For: Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire, City of London, Surrey, Sussex, Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire & Cambridgeshire
Description: PIN-based stored info system for emergency calls; card allows services to access preferences nationally.
Access: Contact your local force for registration details.
E-Card (Lancashire & Greater Manchester)
For: Lancashire Constabulary & Greater Manchester Police
Description: Emergency info card supporting communication needs in crisis/emergency situations.
Access: Request via local force or NHS/community services.
Keep Safe Cymru Card (South Wales)
For: South Wales Police
Description: Vulnerability ID card (learning disability, communication needs, autism) to support interactions with police/emergency staff.
Access: Via South Wales Police / Keep Safe Cymru partners.
Helpful Resources
👉 NPAA Full UK Force Alert Card List (click your local force for details):
🖥️ https://www.npaa.org.uk/alert-card-schemes/
National Police Autism Association
Being a professional and a SEN parent
Knowledge does not protect you from trauma when it’s your own child.
I was a social worker long before I became a parent. I worked with hundreds of children and families, professional networks and family courts under all kinds of different circumstances. I knew so much about attachment and child development and how these can be affected by different childhood experiences.
But, in the early days of my career, neurodivergence wasn’t something we were trained to look out for let alone support people with. How I’d love to turn the clock and be back in the living room of so many parents and give them better advice and guidance. I’m sharing this because I have been ‘that professional’ who doesn’t get it. But I DID care. And when awareness and research started to improve, I embraced this and adapted my practice accordingly.
My two children are both autistic and yet they couldn’t be more different. My daughter also has other associated conditions and requires a lot more support both at home and at school.
Around the same time my son was diagnosed as Autistic at age 10, my daughter who is 3 years younger than him, hit burnout. Overnight my happy bouncy sparkly girl deteriorated before our eyes and I hadn’t seen it coming because her neurodivergence didn’t present the same as her brother’s - shocker right?!
However, because of my job, and because I was lucky enough to have professional friends, I was able to quickly recognise what was happening. Then very soon after, Emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) hit.
As a professional, I could articulate what was going on. And I did. I put everything in writing and kept paper trails. I accessed every resource I could to get my daughter’s needs diagnosed and supported. But, being her mum, what I couldn’t have been prepared for was the emotional toll. The shock of seeing my child suffer so significantly floored me. I had to learn how to care for my own mental health through this crisis.
About a year later it was apparent that my daughter would need an EHCP to be able to access enough support for her to remain in education. You would think that being a professional would make it easier to navigate the EHCP process wouldn’t you? It didn’t.
In fact, it made it worse. Because I wasn’t a professional in my daughter’s world. I was ‘just mum.’ I won’t go into the ins and outs of our EHCP journey but to many, it would be all too familiar. The frustration I have felt at times has driven me to despair. Because I knew what was supposed to happen, I knew what my daughter needed and I followed every due process but too often found myself forced to fight for the right outcome. I am writing this in past tense but as fellow SEND parents know, there may be milestones but there is no finish line.
That said, I have made allies along the way which has made it all easier than it would have been otherwise. Once my daughter’s school understood the gravity of what she was going through they really got on board and have bent over backwards to help her and also help get the right provisions secured in her EHCP. I enlisted an incredible advocate who has taught me so much and given me the confidence to shout from the rooftops for my child’s legal rights.
So, what I’m saying is that if you are a professional, whether that be a social worker, teacher, mental health professional or health care worker, and find yourself navigating SEND parenthood, I get it. It’s conflicting, infuriating and empowering all at the same time. And it doesn’t matter how qualified you are; knowledge doesn’t protect you from trauma when it’s your own child!
And it’s absolutely ok to feel every emotion and seek any support you need to look after you. You must put your own oxygen mask on first in order to keep doing what you need to do for your child.
Home Visits: A professional’s guide to engaging autistic young people (and parents)
Sometimes, engaging an autistic young person during a home visit (whatever that visit is for) takes a bit more thought and planning in order to get as much engagement as possible.
So here are some do’s and don’ts.
1: Don’t visit unannounced. Let them know you are coming ahead of time. Surprises are not fun.
2: Do say why you are visiting. “I’m visiting so we can discuss xyz”.
3: Do be on time. If you say 2pm, be there at 2pm, not earlier, not later.
4: Do let them know how long the visit will likely be.
5: Do tell them about you ahead of time. If this is your first visit, why not send a profile of yourself, with a photo. Maybe a text of email “Hi Jack, I’m Nick, your new Youth Worker. This is a photo of me. I’d like to visit you next Monday at 3pm. I’d like to talk to you about how school is and tell you about the work that we do”.
6: Do think about the language that you use. Avoid vague terms like ‘frequently’, ‘regularly’. “You need to brush your teeth twice a day” is clearer than “You need to brush your teeth regularly”.
7: Do give time. Take the time to get to know them, to build a rapport. Ask us about their interests, show genuine interest.
8: Don’t force or expect eye contact. Sit alongside rather than opposite them. Maybe do something physical whilst talking – colouring, go for a walk, playing a game. A lack of eye contact is not rudeness or disinterest.
9: Do check their understanding.
10: Don’t bullshit. If you can’t do it, say so. If its not going to happen, say so. Don’t offer false promise. Don’t break trust as you will never get it back. Be transparent, clear and straight forward.
11: Do offer alternatives – don’t assume everyone can do or wants to do a video call or a phone call. Ask them what their preference is for communication. This could be voice notes, email, texting.
12: Do lay off the perfume/aftershave/cigarettes that day. Strong smells may be distracting or alienating.
13: Do consider the sound of your voice. If you have a naturally loud voice, tone it down a bit.
14: Do get their preferred name right. If you don’t know, ask. If you don’t know how to pronounce their name, ask. Ask them for their pronouns and use them correctly. “I use she/her pronouns, what do you prefer?”.
January is Application Season: DLA Tips for the New Year
For many families, the thought of applying for Disability Living Allowance (DLA) feels overwhelming — especially during busy months. That’s why January has quietly become application season: the time when many parents finally have the space, clarity, or emotional capacity to begin.
If you’ve ever said, “I’ll start the DLA form after Christmas,” you’re not alone — and you’re not behind. January is the perfect moment to take small, gentle steps forward.
Here’s how to begin the process without feeling overloaded.
1. Recognise the signs that it may be the right time to apply
For many families, the festive period highlights just how much support their child needs day-to-day.
You may be ready to apply if:
Your child’s care needs are consistently higher than other children their age
You provide constant supervision for safety
Daily routines require adult support (dressing, eating, regulating emotions)
Your child experiences sensory overwhelm that impacts daily life
School raises concerns or adjustments are being discussed
You, as a parent, feel exhausted from the level of support you’re giving
None of these are failures.
They are signals that your child may meet the criteria, and you deserve support.
2. Start with observations, not perfection
Many parents freeze because they don’t know where to start.
Here’s the truth: your everyday life is the evidence.
Begin by writing down:
Difficult moments or challenges
Any meltdowns or shutdowns and what triggered them
Sleep habits
How long tasks take and what help you provide
Any sensory difficulties
Emotional support needs
Times when you need to intervene for safety
You don’t need to word things perfectly.
Rough notes are more than enough at this stage — you can shape them later.
3. Break the form into small, manageable chunks
The DLA and PIP forms are long, but they don’t need to be completed in one go.
Try:
10–15 minutes a day
One question per day
Filling rough notes first, then refining
Doing the hardest sections on a day when you have support
Taking breaks as needed
Slow, gentle progress will get you there.
It’s not a race.
4. Focus on the areas the form actually measures
Parents often worry they’re “exaggerating” or “being negative.”
But the form is not asking about your child on their best days.
It’s asking about the support they need on an average or difficult day.
Important areas to include:
✔ Emotional & regulation support
How often do you support meltdowns, shutdowns, anxiety, or overwhelm?
✔ Supervision & safety
Do you need to watch them more closely than a typical child their age?
✔ Sensory needs
Do lights, sounds, transitions, clothing, or smells affect daily life?
✔ Eating, dressing, hygiene
Do they need help, prompting, or supervision?
✔ Communication & understanding
Does your child struggle to process, follow, or retain information?
✔ Behaviour
Not “naughtiness” — but dysregulation, distress, or shutdowns.
✔ Sleep
Frequent waking? Co-sleeping? Early rising? Difficulty settling?
Every detail helps the assessors understand your daily reality.
5. Ask for support when you need it
You don’t have to do this alone.
Reach out for help if you:
Feel emotionally overwhelmed
Don’t know how to phrase something
Want someone to read through your draft
Need clarity on what the questions really mean
Are unsure what evidence to include
Sometimes having someone by your side makes all the difference.
If you need help, Family Avenues offers gentle, step-by-step support to make the process clearer and less stressful — but there’s no pressure. Even free guidance can go a long way.
A gentle reminder to end on
Starting the form is always the hardest part.
Once you take the first step — even writing a single sentence — you’re already moving forward.
You are not behind.
You are not doing this too late.
You are doing what’s right for your family, in your own time.
And you don’t need to do it alone.
A January Reset: Creating Calm After Festive Overload
After the brightness, noise, excitement and complete routine-disruption of Christmas, many neurodivergent children enter January feeling overwhelmed, dysregulated, or simply exhausted.
If your child is more sensitive, clingy, emotional, withdrawn, or harder to settle right now — nothing is wrong. Their nervous system is coming down from weeks of sensory input and unpredictable change.
January can be the perfect moment for a gentle sensory reset. Here’s how to bring calm back into your home — for your child and for you.
1. Lower the sensory demands
The fastest way to support a child after Christmas is to reduce what’s coming in, not add more stimulation.
Try softening the environment by:
Turning off background noise such as TV, radio or constant music
Using lamps instead of overhead lights
Tidying away visually busy toys or decorations
Keeping one room intentionally “quiet”
Offering more downtime than usual
Children who feel “too much” often become overwhelmed, emotional, or reactive. Reducing sensory load gives their system space to settle.
2. Re-establish predictable rhythms
Not strict routines — just gentle anchors.
After Christmas, children benefit from knowing what to expect. Try introducing:
Consistent mealtimes
A short quiet time after school
Predictable morning steps (e.g., get dressed → breakfast → shoes)
Simple transition warnings (“Five minutes left, then tidy.”)
Visual prompts or soft verbal cues
Predictability is calming because it removes the pressure of constant surprise. For autistic and ADHD children especially, rhythm = safety.
3. Refresh or create a “calm space”
A sensory-regulating safe space doesn’t need to be fancy. It just needs to feel predictable, cosy and low-demand.
Ideas include:
A pop-up tent or canopy
Cushions, blankets, weighted items
A beanbag, low lighting or fairy lights
Noise-reducing headphones nearby
A box of familiar comfort toys or fidgets
Encourage your child to use this space whenever they feel overwhelmed. It helps them reconnect with their body and settle after sensory overload.
4. Choose activities that soothe — not stimulate
After a busy festive season, choose sensory activities that regulate rather than excite.
Try:
Deep pressure
Bear hugs (if tolerated)
Weighted blankets or lap pads
Massage or firm squeezes on arms/shoulders
Proprioceptive input
Pushing hands against a wall
Carrying something safe but heavy
Crawling under cushions or blankets
Slow, rhythmic movement
Rocking in a chair
Gentle swaying
Walking outside in fresh air
These activities help the nervous system move from “high alert” back to a sense of groundedness.
5. Lower expectations — and build in recovery time
January is not the month for harsh routines, strict expectations or “new year, new you” pressure.
Your child has just navigated sensory overwhelm, social demands, disrupted routines and emotional highs. You have too.
It’s okay to:
Cancel plans
Have quieter weekends
Reduce after-school activities
Offer simple meals
Spend more time resting
A calmer month now can prevent meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout later.
A final reassurance
You don’t need to overhaul your whole home.
You don’t need to fix everything at once.
Even one or two changes can make a meaningful difference.
Your child is not struggling because you did anything wrong — they’re simply recovering from a season that was designed around sensory overload.
A gentle January helps everyone breathe again.
If you’d like support with routines, sensory needs or family connection, Family Avenues is here to help you find clarity and calm.
Financial support - DLA and PIP
Many families have told us that they didn’t think they would qualify for DLA, this blog explores what DLA and PIP are and how to apply for them.
Understanding Disability Living Allowance (DLA) and Personal Independence Payment (PIP)
In the UK, Disability Living Allowance (DLA) and Personal Independence Payment (PIP) are both non means tested benefits (see current eligibility criteria below). DLA is available to children under 16 who meet the eligibility criteria and PIP is for those over 16. I am not a benefits expert, nor am I encouraging you all to rush out and make a claim. I did however want to share some information and tips which may reduce barriers to it, confusion and refusals.
I’ve spoken to many parents who think, as we did, that DLA or PIP are only for those with physical disabilities or complex health needs, those who have trouble walking or need a really high level of care. There are different rates of benefit and if you or your child need more care and support than another person of the same age might then it is worth considering making an application. Those assessing the claims look at what support is needed and how much time you take providing this support (especially at night).
It is important to apply as soon as you identify a need for support, rather than wait for a period of crisis.
What can DLA/PIP help with?
Types of support and care that may not be obvious could be:
Daily living support:
· Costly period knickers if you/they cannot tolerate pads or tampons
· Needing to help or encouragement to bathe. i.e. wash hair, clean teeth, shower etc.
· Needing to buy more expensive clothing that is seam free/comfortable
· Long periods of time spent encouraging a child to eat or the provision of a therapeutic diet (i.e. gluten free for celiac disease)
· Support when out and about. For example, a child who is over 12 can typically walk to the local shops or school alone. If anyone (including adults) over this age needs an adult with them for safety, for reassurance or to cross roads/get public transport then it indicates that there is a need for this.
Social and emotional support:
· Sensory equipment (e.g. ear defenders, fidget toys, wobble seat)
· Support with socialising i.e. if they have a friend round you may have to remain in the same room to facilitate or ensure they don’t lash out if misunderstandings happen
· Excessive reassurance at bed time or night wakings for reassurance
· Excessive encouragement to get out of bed, leave her bedroom or the house
· Needing to replace phones/tech frequently as they get damaged or are overused
· Counselling/therapy
· Spending several hours each week emailing the school, speaking to the school, collecting your child early from school. Or similar facilitation or support with work or other activities those over 16 may need.
· Support for self harm i.e. checking bedroom each evening for sharp items or securing the sharps in your kitchen
The Application process:
If you decide to apply and if you ring up for a form, you then have 6 weeks to complete the form and if successful any payment will be backdated to the day you phoned for the form. Alternatively, you can download a form to complete and in some postcode areas you can complete online, but doing it this way you will not benefit from backdated payments.
Brace yourselves, there is no getting away from it, the form is lengthy and no fun! Take your time with it. Try breaking it down into sections and set yourself small goals for each day.
It is sometimes useful to think about each day from morning to night, write down all the things that you do relating to your child and jot down how much time you spend. When you write it down you start to see just how much there is. Ask a close friend or family member to help you identify other things you may have missed. You will need to think about what life is like on a bad day to give a full picture of the support needed.
Providing evidence:
Gather all your most recent letters from GP, school, CAMHS or other health or social care professionals as you will need to include these with your claim. Even an email from a teacher saying that your daughter had to leave the classroom again will be useful evidence. If you need help with the form Action for Carers or the Citizens Advice Bureau are often able to help - don’t hesitate to get in touch with them. You are not alone and many of us feel overwhelmed, so do ask for help.
Evidence with examples:
When completing the form, try and give examples to evidence what you are telling them. For example, “Daisy can walk unaided, but if I am not with her she will easily get lost and get very distressed. When we are out, if a loud motorbike or lorry goes past, she gets very agitated and distressed and needs lots of reassurance to carry on”. Another example might be “Daisy becomes very agitated in the evenings, it takes us several hours to settle her to sleep, one of us needs to stay with her at all times and she is rarely asleep before midnight”. The person reviewing the form only has a certain time to read each form, so by giving examples, you are making it clear for them to see the areas of need.
There is a section where a person who knows your child/you well can write a supporting statement. This could be a professional (e.g. teacher, childminder, social worker) or this could be a grandparent or friend who comes round every day to help out.
Last but not least, always keep a copy of your application form, you can use the camera on your phone to scan it. It will come in handy for any future applications.
If applying still feels overwhelming, you don’t have to do it alone. Family Avenues offers a 1:1 DLA Workshop where we break everything down together and help you create strong, detailed answers with ease.
Need more information?
Disability Living Allowance (DLA) for children: Overview - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)
https://www.gov.uk/pip/how-to-claim
Current Eligibility Criteria for DLA and PIP (as of November 2024)
Disability Living Allowance (Children):
Eligibility
Usually, to qualify for Disability Living Allowance (DLA) for children the child must:
· be under 16 - anyone over 16 must apply for Personal Independence Payment (PIP)
· need extra looking after or have walking difficulties
· be in England, Wales, a European Economic Area (EEA) country or Switzerland when you claim - there are some exceptions, such as family members of the Armed Forces
· have lived in Great Britain for at least 6 of the last 12 months, if over 3 years old
· be habitually resident in the UK, Ireland, Isle of Man or the Channel Islands
· not be subject to immigration control
There are some exceptions to these conditions if the child is living in or coming from an EEA country or Switzerland.
The rules are different in Northern Ireland.
If your child currently lives in Scotland, you need to apply for Child Disability Payment instead.
You can claim DLA for children if you’re in or out of work.
If you’re not a British citizen
If you and your child are from the EU, Switzerland, Norway, Iceland or Liechtenstein, you will usually also need settled or pre-settled status under the EU Settlement Scheme to claim DLA for your child.
The deadline to apply to the scheme was 30 June 2021 for most people, but you might still be able to apply. Check if you can still apply to the EU Settlement Scheme.
Children under 3
A child under 6 months must have lived in Great Britain for at least 13 weeks.
A child aged between 6 months and 3 years must have lived in Great Britain for at least 26 of the last 156 weeks.
The rules on residence do not normally apply if a medical professional has said the child might have 12 months or less to live.
The child’s disability or health condition
The child’s disability or health condition must mean at least one of the following apply:
· they need much more looking after than a child of the same age who does not have a disability
· they have difficulty getting about
They must have had these difficulties for at least 3 months and expect them to last for at least 6 months.
If a medical professional has said they might have 12 months or less to live, they do not need to have had these difficulties for 3 months.
Care component
The rate the child gets depends on the level of looking after they need, for example:
· lowest rate - help for some of the day
· middle rate - frequent help or constant supervision during the day, supervision at night or someone to help while they’re on dialysis
· highest rate - help or supervision throughout both day and night, or a medical professional has said they might have 12 months or less to live
Mobility component
The rate the child gets depends on the level of help they need getting about, for example:
· lowest rate - they can walk but need help and or supervision when outdoors
· highest rate - they cannot walk, can only walk a short distance without severe discomfort, could become very ill if they try to walk or they’re blind or severely sight impaired
There are also age limits to receiving the mobility component:
· lowest rate - the child must be 5 years or over
· highest rate - the child must be 3 years or over
If your child is under these ages and you claim DLA for them, you should be sent a claim pack 6 months before they turn 3 and 6 months before they turn 5. You can then apply for the mobility component if you think they’re eligible for it.
Source: www.gov.uk
Personal Independence Payment:
What PIP is for
Personal Independence Payment (PIP) can help with extra living costs if you have both:
· a long-term physical or mental health condition or disability
· difficulty doing certain everyday tasks or getting around because of your condition
You can get PIP even if you’re working, have savings or are getting most other benefits.
You can also read about PIP in Welsh (Cymraeg).
How PIP works
There are 2 parts to PIP:
· a daily living part - if you need help with everyday tasks
· a mobility part - if you need help with getting around
Whether you get one or both parts and how much you get depends on how difficult you find everyday tasks and getting around.
If you’re nearing the end of life (for example, due to a life-limiting illness), you’ll automatically get the daily living part. Whether you get the mobility part depends on your needs. Find out how to claim and how much you’ll get if you’re nearing the end of life.
Daily living part
You might get the daily living part of PIP if you need help with:
· preparing food
· eating and drinking
· managing your medicines or treatments
· washing and bathing
· using the toilet
· dressing and undressing
· reading
· managing your money
· socialising and being around other people
· talking, listening and understanding
Mobility part
You might get the mobility part of PIP if you need help with:
· working out a route and following it
· physically moving around
· leaving your home
You do not have to have a physical disability to get the mobility part. You might also be eligible if you have difficulty getting around because of a cognitive or mental health condition, like anxiety.
How difficulty with tasks is assessed
The Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) will assess how difficult you find daily living and mobility tasks. For each task they’ll look at:
· whether you can do it safely
· how long it takes you
· how often your condition affects this activity
· whether you need help to do it, from a person or using extra equipment
Source www.gov.uk
Just like me: recognising our own neurodivergence
This blog explores how our children being diagnosed can lead to us recognising our own neurodiversity, and how this affects our parenting.
A child being diagnosed as neurodivergent can lead to parents thinking about their own experiences both as a child and as a parent. It wasn’t until my daughter was diagnosed and I learnt more about ADHD in girls that I got my own diagnosis and so much of my life made sense (a chapter for another book maybe!).
Many parents have told us that as they come to understand their own autistic children, they may recognise similarities in their own experiences. It is very common for parents to seek a diagnosis after their own children. That is not to say all autistic children have a neurodiverse parent!
For some, parenthood brings a spotlight to neurodivergence. “Traits” may become more apparent as adults. Seems odd right, you don’t suddenly become Autistic or catch ADHD. Before becoming a parent, it may have been easier to mask or manage your needs (whether you recognised them as needs or not). Feelings may have been internalised, attributed to personality flaws/differences. After work you could be alone, spend time doing your hobbies, socialise on your terms. Some adults find other ways to regulate/get that dopamine hit (eg alcohol, smoking). Perhaps your anxiety was medicated.
When you become a parent, your child becomes your priority (rightly so!). Our focus is on their needs and your own can be missed. Parenting can be especially difficult when parenting tasks clash with your needs as a neurodiverse person. For example, think how noise sensitivity clashes with a screaming baby/toddler; think of the dopamine needed to play that game they want to play but you can’t stand; your executive functioning skills are diverted to meeting your child’s needs and there is no capacity left for keeping the house tidy.
The complexities of parenting:
Parenting as a neurodivergent adult adds an additional layer of difficulty, and it can come at the expense of one’s own wellbeing. When you recognise your own needs, understand your neurodivergence (in whatever form it takes) are kind to yourself and accept yourself, you begin to parent differently.
So, if this has resonated with you, take some time to think about what your needs are, how you can be kind to yourself and make life easier for yourself.
Task: Parenting Audit:
Try this, take a really honest look at your parenting – go over the past week. Maybe discuss with a partner or close family member, someone you trust to be honest. This isn’t about shaming, its about recognising the areas that we might struggle with, being mindful when they next occur and planning how to try and make changes.
1. What was it like for your child to be parented by you this week?
2. What went well?
3. What was difficult?
4. What got more attention – your child or your phone?
5. What would you go back and change?
6. How would they know that you loved them this week?
7. What activities did you do together?
8. What has upset your child this week?
9. What would your child say about you this week?
When you have done your audit, have a think about what would help make a difference next week. We won’t suddenly change into Mary Poppins, what are small consistent changes that you can make?
Here are some examples of strategies you could try:
1. Hate playing board games - set a timer and just play for 30 minutes
2. Triggered by noise – wear ear plugs/headphones at home.
3. Overwhelmed with cleaning/tidying – whack some music on, set a timer to spend and see how much you can get cleared in 15 minutes
4. Don’t be afraid to say to your child – I need some time out, I’m feeling overwhelmed. You are modelling regulation.
Lastly, if you are or think you are neurodivergent, I’d invite you to share this with your child. Sharing your experiences, your challenges and successes will be very powerful for them, foster trust between you and boost their self esteem.
Tips for surviving Christmas (or any other celebration)
Christmas can be magical, it can also be overwhelming. In this blog, we offer tried and tested tips for surviving Christmas that will make it easier both for you and your children.
Let's talk about Christmas. For those who celebrate it, Christmas is a time of great excitement.
For autistic young people (and parents!), Christmas can be really difficult, not just the day, but the weeks preceding it. The school day is changing, nativity rehearsals, decorations are up around school, Christmas parties, relaxed timetable, Christmas Jumper day, the classroom is getting louder as excitement builds - all things which heighten their sensory experience and ability to regulate. The routine at home is changing, new smells, decorations, new foods, different activities, increased stress and excitement, shops are busier.
For many, anxiety can come from the overwhelm of expectation - “I should be having a fun time”, “I should be going to see Santa”, “I should know what presents I would like” and so on. The pressure can be huge even before the day.
The more that you can do leading up to December to plan for these changes, the more regulated you and they are likely to be.
Change your expectations, Christmas may not be like next door’s or the Christmas you had as a child. Its different but not necessarily worse.
Chicken nuggets for Christmas dinner, so be it
If they want to stay in their PJs - let them
Limit demands at home - I love Christmas decorations, my daughter couldn’t care less. So whereas as a child putting them up was an exciting family tradition, now I just do it myself with no expectations she will join in or even comment on them!
Consider letting them know what their presents are in advance - surprises can be really stressful, or consider not wrapping them or allowing them to open them in their own time wherever they might like to. Opening presents in front of family/guests can be really difficult.
Consider leaving their presents all in one pile rather than exchanging one by one.
Maybe spread out the opening of presents so its not so overwhelming.
Try to keep some structure to Christmas day, allow downtime (eg playing online with friends, watching tv), try to get outside for a walk/run/jump about.
Involve them in planning the day and let them know what the day will look like - what time shall we aim to eat? What veg should we have? Can you help me choose the puddings? Who is coming, how long will they stay, Do I have to be there?
It may be that you need to let family members/guests know of the adjustments you have made to your day before they come so that they understand that you are keeping it low key or that your child may be in their room for some of the day. This avoids conflict and disappointment on the day.
Talk to the school so that they can be mindful of the impact of Christmas activities and can build in alternatives or increase downtime in the school day for your child.
Avoid back to back social events, try and include downtime days.
Keep a calendar somewhere visible so they can see what day of the week it is (not so obvious over Christmas!) and what the plan is for each day. Talk them through each day ahead of each day.
Think back to last December, what was difficult? What was helpful?
Play and Connection in Neurodivergent Families
Play and connection matters in neurodivergent families, how you can offer play opportunities and overcoming some of the hurdles.
Play & Connection in Neurodivergent Families
How small moments of play can rebuild trust, regulation and connection.
Play is one of the easiest ways to connect with our children — “play” doesn’t always look like what you see on Pinterest. And that’s completely okay. This guide breaks down different play styles and shows how play can repair, regulate and strengthen relationships.
Why Play Matters
Play helps everyone bond, laugh and reset.
Children use play to explore emotions and “what if” scenarios — which is why play therapy works so well.
Play doesn’t need to be neat, pretty or imaginative to be meaningful.
Different Kids, Different Play Style
1. Control Play
Some children need to direct everything: colours, characters, scripts.
It can feel restrictive, but it is connection.
Try:
Following their lead first (building trust).
Then gently adding boundaries:
“I loved colouring your way — now I’m choosing my own picture.”
If they take over your picture, it’s okay. Repetition helps them understand that other people also have autonomy.
2. “I Don’t Do Imagination!”
Not every child likes pretend play — and that’s completely valid.
Try:
Physical play: trampolining, walking, climbing.
Sensory play: water, rice, sand, textures.
Clear-rule games that feel safe and predictable.
3. The Board-Flipping Maniacs
If your child struggles with losing, games can feel like emotional landmines. You can still play — just adapt the approach.
Try:
Collaborative games where you win or lose as a team.
Practising tiny wins/losses in low-pressure moments.
Avoiding competitive games before bed or big events.
Modelling flexibility:
“Well… I lost HARD. That was hilarious.”
Starting 1:1 before introducing group play.
What Counts as Play? More Than You Think.
Gaming
Gaming absolutely counts as play. You can connect as Player 2 even if you’re not a gamer. Structured games like Mario Party or co-op games work brilliantly. And honestly? Today’s gaming pros are tomorrow’s digital creators.
Board Games
Great for kids who like rules and predictability. Collaborative games are ideal for children who find losing overwhelming.
Watching Counts Too
Sometimes simply sitting beside your child while they play is enough. Presence = connection.
Using Play During Dysregulation
When a child is dysregulated, their thinking brain goes offline. Quick play can help bring it back.
Try:
Music quizzes (guess the film/character/theme tune)
Simple trivia
Maths or history questions
Silly mini-challenges
Once they’re thinking again, shift to regulating activities: colouring, sensory play, movement.
Ideas That Work Well for Neurodivergent Families
Collaborative storytelling: toys, drawings, guided stories, monster fold-and-draw, story dice.
Messy play: cornflour goop, coloured rice, herbs, clay.
Physical/sensory challenges: “Find 5 round things,” star jumps, races, taste tests.
Small-scare games: Pop-Up Pirate, Crocodile Dentist, Don’t Wake Dad, Soggy Doggy.
Art play: free painting, follow-along tutorials, huge paper rolls, or water painting outside.
Mess is optional. Slime is optional. Glitter is optional. Connection is the goal.
Key Message
Play is connection. It won’t always be smooth or tidy — but play can bring you back to each other after stress, overwhelm or conflict. Find the play that works for your family, not the Instagram version.
Struggling to connect right now?
A Family Avenues assessment can help your family find practical, realistic ways to reconnect when things are tough — tailored to your children’s neurotype and your family’s strengths.
Small changes can transform daily life. We can help.