If you’re wondering “is this something they can help with?” — these examples will give you a feel for the kinds of situations we support and how we approach them.
All names have been changed and any identifying factors removed.
Harry:
How we supported a family with Emotionally based school non attendance (EBSNA)
Harry was 13 when he began to struggle at school. It had been suggested that Harry was autistic but he was awaiting an assessment. Harry had not been in school for nearly 7 months and there were long periods during that time that he had not left the house.
His parents found his behaviour to be challenging, verbally aggressive at times, and he was having panic attacks and meltdowns frequently. He needed to control everything and this was all impacting family life for everyone in the household.
It also made it hard for both parents to continue working so one parent had reduced their hours and the other was working from home for half the week.
School staff were telling parents that they needed to be firmer, be more boundaried with him. When we met Harry’s parents, it was clear that Harry was extremely anxious and in burnout. He had been masking for years and we were able to gently identify a pattern of anxious behaviour since early childhood.
With a clearer and more accurate understanding that Harry wasn’t “being difficult, out of control or needing discipline,” we could introduce his parents to strategies that supported him.
We gave guidance for daily adjustments they could make at home to lower demands and work with Harry’s current level of capacity.
The school wanted to help. But support was largely framed around Harry first returning to school. We were able to offer suggestions to adjust some of the available provision so it felt more accessible to Harry while he wasn’t able to attend school. This included the school counsellor seeing him virtually so they could rebuild their rapport.
We also helped Harry’s parents articulate to his school why certain mindsets and decisions had exacerbated his anxiety so they could try to repair this and help him feel better understood and ultimately safer at school.
Harry’s parents recently updated us that after having some of these conversations and sharing our report, the school have agreed to submit a request for an EHC needs assessment.
With Family Avenues support and guidance, Harry’s parents are beginning to understand his needs through a very different lens. By reducing demands, rebuilding safety and making changes at home and school, Harry is slowly emerging from burnout and beginning to re-engage with the world around him.
Our support included a Family Avenues Directions call with tailored recommendations and a written report to help the family and school move forward with shared understanding.
Ahmed:
When “Defiance” is Actually Distress
Ahmed is 9 and his parents came to us for a Family Directions call because everything felt like a battle.
They described him as hating them and refusing to do anything he was asked. It felt like he was running the house whilst everyone else was walking on eggshells to avoid explosions. Tensions were high all the time and it felt like another explosion could happen at any moment.
Ahmed is diagnosed autistic and was described as struggling with his mental health, sometimes hurting himself as well as breaking things in the home.
They didn’t have any practical support. Although they had close family networks, they were worried about how Ahmed would behave and how he might be treated in their care. Family, friends and school had repeatedly told them they needed to be more consistent, firmer, and use consequences for his behaviour.
They had been sent on a parenting course and had been using rewards that Ahmed wanted, such as access to his tablet. During the school day, if he wasn’t in school, they had been advised not to let him have any treats or watch TV. Since starting this approach, things had become much worse.
Their worries were that things were falling apart at home, as well as concerns about what the future might hold for him. They felt like they had tried everything they could think of and nothing was working.
They wanted to understand what was going on for Ahmed and what would help.
Our understanding
When we met Ahmed’s parents, it was clear that this wasn’t a child who was “in control” of the family.
Ahmed was operating at a very high level of stress, with very little tolerance for additional demands. He was rarely in a calm or regulated state.
We explored the impact of this on Ahmed and the family as a whole.
Through discussion, it became evident that Ahmed’s presentation was consistent with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA).
This shifted how his behaviour was understood - not as defiance, but as a need to feel safe and in control in response to perceived threat.
We also explored why traditional parenting approaches, such as rewards and consequences, had unintentionally increased pressure and escalated his responses. This was made explicit in the follow-up report so it could be shared with school (and family, if appropriate).
Together, we identified areas where demands could be reduced or removed to support Ahmed’s recovery. We also discussed the importance of offering choice and adapting language to reduce perceived pressure.
With a clearer understanding of Ahmed’s needs, we supported his parents to make practical changes at home and within family routines.
This included:
Letting go of unnecessary expectations that were increasing pressure
Recognising early signs of overwhelm and responding before escalation
Reducing direct demands and using more flexible, collaborative language
Stepping out of power struggles to reduce the cycle of conflict
Impact
After a few months, the family shared that as pressure reduced, Ahmed’s anxiety began to decrease.
For example, everyday requests such as coming to dinner or transitioning away from preferred activities had previously led to escalation. With a more flexible approach, these moments became more manageable.
Over time:
Explosive incidents became less frequent and less intense
Ahmed showed increased tolerance for everyday requests when approached flexibly
Periods of calm became more consistent within the home
Parents reported feeling more confident and less “on edge”
Family relationships began to repair
The home environment shifted from one of constant crisis to one with more predictability and connection.
Caitlin:
Anxiety, meltdowns and bullying
Caitlin was 9 when we met her. She has diagnosis of Autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia. She attends mainstream school however, has been struggling due to her anxiety. Part of her anxiety stems from bullying that she has suffered at school. At home, Caitlin’s anxiety manifested itself in frequent meltdowns, isolation and self harming.
We supported Caitlin’s Mum to understand how her nervous system responds and what Mum and other family members can do to support her. We discussed strategies that Mum can present to the school to allow Caitlin to feel safer at school and more supported.
Over the next few weeks, with our strategies and a clear plan for the school, Caitlin was able to slowly start returning to school on a more full time basis. At home, Mum made some changed within the home that allowed Caitlin to regulate after school and calm her nervous system.