Just like me: recognising our own neurodivergence
A child being diagnosed as neurodivergent can lead to parents thinking about their own experiences both as a child and as a parent. It wasn’t until my daughter was diagnosed and I learnt more about ADHD in girls that I got my own diagnosis and so much of my life made sense (a chapter for another book maybe!).
Many parents have told us that as they come to understand their own autistic children, they may recognise similarities in their own experiences. It is very common for parents to seek a diagnosis after their own children. That is not to say all autistic children have a neurodiverse parent!
For some, parenthood brings a spotlight to neurodivergence. “Traits” may become more apparent as adults. Seems odd right, you don’t suddenly become Autistic or catch ADHD. Before becoming a parent, it may have been easier to mask or manage your needs (whether you recognised them as needs or not). Feelings may have been internalised, attributed to personality flaws/differences. After work you could be alone, spend time doing your hobbies, socialise on your terms. Some adults find other ways to regulate/get that dopamine hit (eg alcohol, smoking). Perhaps your anxiety was medicated.
When you become a parent, your child becomes your priority (rightly so!). Our focus is on their needs and your own can be missed. Parenting can be especially difficult when parenting tasks clash with your needs as a neurodiverse person. For example, think how noise sensitivity clashes with a screaming baby/toddler; think of the dopamine needed to play that game they want to play but you can’t stand; your executive functioning skills are diverted to meeting your child’s needs and there is no capacity left for keeping the house tidy.
The complexities of parenting:
Parenting as a neurodivergent adult adds an additional layer of difficulty, and it can come at the expense of one’s own wellbeing. When you recognise your own needs, understand your neurodivergence (in whatever form it takes) are kind to yourself and accept yourself, you begin to parent differently.
So, if this has resonated with you, take some time to think about what your needs are, how you can be kind to yourself and make life easier for yourself.
Task: Parenting Audit:
Try this, take a really honest look at your parenting – go over the past week. Maybe discuss with a partner or close family member, someone you trust to be honest. This isn’t about shaming, its about recognising the areas that we might struggle with, being mindful when they next occur and planning how to try and make changes.
1. What was it like for your child to be parented by you this week?
2. What went well?
3. What was difficult?
4. What got more attention – your child or your phone?
5. What would you go back and change?
6. How would they know that you loved them this week?
7. What activities did you do together?
8. What has upset your child this week?
9. What would your child say about you this week?
When you have done your audit, have a think about what would help make a difference next week. We won’t suddenly change into Mary Poppins, what are small consistent changes that you can make?
Here are some examples of strategies you could try:
1. Hate playing board games - set a timer and just play for 30 minutes
2. Triggered by noise – wear ear plugs/headphones at home.
3. Overwhelmed with cleaning/tidying – whack some music on, set a timer to spend and see how much you can get cleared in 15 minutes
4. Don’t be afraid to say to your child – I need some time out, I’m feeling overwhelmed. You are modelling regulation.
Lastly, if you are or think you are neurodivergent, I’d invite you to share this with your child. Sharing your experiences, your challenges and successes will be very powerful for them, foster trust between you and boost their self esteem.