I get it, she’s a lot, but……

Often, when I find myself advocating for my daughter after someone has mishandled a situation, I find myself pre-facing it with ‘I get it…’

And I do get it. My daughter has ADHD. She can’t take medication for it because it exacerbates her OCD. She is also Autistic and doesn’t pick up on social cues when she is being ‘too loud,’ ‘too impulsive,’ ‘too hyper,’ ‘disruptive,’ ‘unfiltered.’ The list goes on.

But when people mistake all of this for being ‘overconfident’ they think she can handle it when they get frustrated with her. And she absolutely cannot.

Masking is something ADHD girls in particular are expert at. When my daughter was being assessed her teacher wrote on the school forms that she ‘has no trouble sitting still and in the classroom you wouldn’t know she was there as she is so quiet.’ I cried when I read that because that does not describe my daughter at all. I knew the amount of effort going into sitting still and not drawing attention to herself had already come at a significant expense and as a result she was now in burnout and we were scrambling to learn how to help her recover.

Since then, my daughter’s primary school had a better understanding of her needs. She stopped going to the clubs she had previously enjoyed because she was so worried about being told off if she got excited. We joined a group for Autistic girls where she could be herself. A huge amount of effort and resources has gone into accessing the right mental health support for her and an educational environment that can meet her needs when she starts secondary school in September.

A couple of months ago, for the first time in three years, I found myself saying ‘It’s like she’s her old self again.’

Because she was so relaxed, regulated, and genuinely cheerful. She was playing out with children on our street on their scooters, happily skipping off to school in the mornings, singing loudly without even realising and we were not seeing the distressing evidence of anxiety that had become part of daily life. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my child thriving. That is all any parent wants. And my daughter’s personality is what makes her sparkle and we love her so much for it.

However, we then saw the cycle again where people (peers and adults) would get frustrated with her and she would get into trouble. For being happy. Not because she was doing anything wrong. Not because she was ever remotely unkind.

And no matter how much I preface my  advocacy with ‘I get it but…’ the reality is what I was about to say constitutes to ‘you caused her significant distress for something she literally cannot control.’ And that absolutely breaks my heart.

Because, every time something happens where she has been excited, happy, impulsive, noisy, and she has been told she is ‘disrespectful’ or ‘hurting my ears’ or ‘not listening,’ what she takes from that is that she let the mask slip and she must fix it back on in order to protect herself.

That might make those people feel more content around her. But that mask is unsustainable for her nervous system.

So; whether you are the relative, friend, teacher or any other professional… If you are lucky enough to have a sparkly ADHD child in your life – please look beyond their presentation and don’t mistake ‘confidence’ for being able to receive negative feedback from you.

Redirect them, or gently explain something to them without embarrassing them.

But please, please, don’t dim their sparkle.

Just like me: recognising our own neurodivergence

A child being diagnosed as neurodivergent can lead to parents thinking about their own experiences both as a child and as a parent.  It wasn’t until my daughter was diagnosed and I learnt more about ADHD in girls that I got my own diagnosis and so much of my life made sense (a chapter for another book maybe!).

Many parents have told us that as they come to understand their own autistic children, they may recognise similarities in their own experiences.  It is very common for parents to seek a diagnosis after their own children.  That is not to say all autistic children have a neurodiverse parent!

For some, parenthood brings a spotlight to neurodivergence.  “Traits” may become more apparent as adults.   Seems odd right, you don’t suddenly become Autistic or catch ADHD.  Before becoming a parent, it may have been easier to mask or manage your needs (whether you recognised them as needs or not).  Feelings may have been internalised, attributed to personality flaws/differences.  After work you could be alone, spend time doing your hobbies, socialise on your terms.  Some adults find other ways to regulate/get that dopamine hit (eg alcohol, smoking).   Perhaps your anxiety was medicated.

When you become a parent, your child becomes your priority (rightly so!).  Our focus is on their needs and your own can be missed.  Parenting can be especially difficult when parenting tasks clash with your needs as a neurodiverse person.  For example, think how noise sensitivity clashes with a screaming baby/toddler; think of the dopamine needed to play that game they want to play but you can’t stand; your executive functioning skills are diverted to meeting your child’s needs and there is no capacity left for keeping the house tidy.   

The complexities of parenting:

Parenting as a neurodivergent adult adds an additional layer of difficulty, and it can come at the expense of one’s own wellbeing.   When you recognise your own needs, understand your neurodivergence (in whatever form it takes) are kind to yourself and accept yourself, you begin to parent differently.  

So, if this has resonated with you, take some time to think about what your needs are, how you can be kind to yourself and make life easier for yourself. 

Task:  Parenting Audit:

Try this, take a really honest look at your parenting – go over the past week.  Maybe discuss with a partner or close family member, someone you trust to be honest.  This isn’t about shaming, its about recognising the areas that we might struggle with, being mindful when they next occur and planning how to try and make changes.

1.     What was it like for your child to be parented by you this week? 

2.     What went well? 

3.     What was difficult? 

4.     What got more attention – your child or your phone?

5.     What would you go back and change?

6.     How would they know that you loved them this week?

7.     What activities did you do together?

8.     What has upset your child this week?

9.     What would your child say about you this week?

When you have done your audit, have a think about what would help make a difference next week.  We won’t suddenly change into Mary Poppins, what are small consistent changes that you can make?

Here are some examples of strategies you could try:

1.     Hate playing board games - set a timer and just play for 30 minutes

2.     Triggered by noise – wear ear plugs/headphones at home.

3.     Overwhelmed with cleaning/tidying – whack some music on, set a timer to spend and see how much you can get cleared in 15 minutes

4.     Don’t be afraid to say to your child – I need some time out, I’m feeling overwhelmed.  You are modelling regulation.

Lastly, if you are or think you are neurodivergent, I’d invite you to share this with your child.  Sharing your experiences, your challenges and successes will be very powerful for them, foster trust between you and boost their self esteem.