Top tips for overwhelmed parenting

Top tips for overwhelmed parenting:

We talk to parents everyday who have hit burnout.  To be frank we have all been there too.  The weight of everything is heavy: the constant mental load, the to do list that only ever grows, being the lead (for some the only) parent.  

For me personally the standards in my house are at base level (or if I am being brutally honest and allowing the shame to shine through - well below):  dishes can be piled up, washing gets washed but left in the washer or put out and I forget to bring it in.

I always said the kids will eat the same food as us (along with a whole load of things I said before I was a parent).  We did baby-led weaning and our kids all loved their food.  Until now.

I now make at least two meals and my eldest only eats food they have prepared themselves. I have no problem with this EXCEPT for the additional cleaning this creates (seriously how many pots can one family use in one day?).  I am no domestic goddess.  Never have been, never aspired to be and never will be (although I wouldn’t mind the pointy boobs, cinched waste and pretty dresses!).

So when I feel like I am heading for a crash I activate survival mode. I set the game to its easiest setting:

Reduce demands – for me that means I delegate the washing up to the older two children.  They are not happy about it but they are old enough to understand that we live in this house together and we need to help each other out.  Yes, there have been times when they have asked me to do something and I have explained – sorry I can’t do that because I have to clean the kitchen.  Feel free to dig in with me and maybe we will have time.

Basic meal plans – all of us fed is more important than worrying about what veg they have or haven’t eaten today.  Without a meal plan I don’t get usable food and if it was just me I just wouldn’t eat so a meal plan is a must when survival mode is activated.

Top tip – there are loads of ready made easy meal plans on the internet.  Just put in your needs to a search and something will come up (eg: family of 5, one veggie, one who’s foods cannot touch, cannot be wet)

Food shopping becomes basic – order click and collect or delivery.

Delegate where you can – this might just be asking a neighbour to help with the school run or asking your partner/sister/brother/aunt/friend/etc to grab your click and collect.

Body doubling – there are apps for that!  There are little cartoon body doublers that you can play on your computer whilst you work, do the dishes or sort the washing.  Even now I have a “Adult ADHD focus” pre-made playlist from Amazon Music playing.

Take the win – 10 minute focus.  Don’t aim to clean a room but instead I am going to take 10mins and put all the shoes away.  Set a timer.  Reward yourself when you complete your task.

It is totally ok to sit on the sofa and feel sorry for yourself but try not let yourself wallow for too long.

You have to remember that you are a warrior parent carrying far more than many people realise.  You are carrying an enormous load, which becomes even heavier when you are worried about your children.

Try to reframe things - For example, today I have three children at home.  I could (and have in the past) sat and felt like I and they are failing because of that.

Today I am thankful that I have been able to see that they are struggling, understood where they are within their window of tolerance.  I am thankful that I have supported their needs and avoided both a meltdown and a shutdown.  Same situation different perspective.  That does not mean meltdowns or shutdowns are always avoidable, or that we have failed when they happen.  They aren’t and we haven’t.

I hope that my children will look back on their childhood and see that they had parents who understood their needs, parented them as best they could and nurtured their souls, played to their strengths and taught them to self-advocate.

Please remember you are never alone. There are loads of us out there.  Look on social media for your local SEND groups and organisations.  Reach out to us at Family Avenues.  We can book a Family Avenues call with you to explore the biggest struggle right now and help you come up with a real/manageable plan.

If you want more information or are not ready to book yet drop us an email and we will be in touch to explain more.

Siblings: managing different needs

I was talking to a family last week about how to juggle the needs of different siblings and the challenges this can bring.  When there are neurodivergent siblings in a family, parents are often balancing very different needs at the same time. One child may need significant support, flexibility or accommodation, while another may appear more independent or able to cope with everyday demands.

Over time, this can create complicated feelings within the family.  Some siblings may feel overlooked, confused by different boundaries, or unsure why expectations seem to vary. These feelings are entirely understandable and deserve space to be acknowledged.

In practice:

“It makes sense that it might feel unfair sometimes when your brother needs more support and attention.”

“You don’t get less love but it might sometimes look like she gets more attention”. 

“Your sister’s brain reacts very strongly to demands, so sometimes we have to approach things differently.”

“That can make it look like the rules are different, and I understand why that feels frustrating.”

Honesty about a situation builds trust.

One helpful way to approach this is to focus on the difference between fairness and equality.  Equality means everyone receives the same thing, but fairness recognises that different children sometimes need different types of support.

In Practice:

“Fair doesn’t always mean the same. Sometimes people need different things.”

Examples that work well with teens:

Glasses for someone who can’t see

Crutches for a broken leg

Extra time in exams

Open conversations can help siblings understand this without dismissing their feelings. At the same time, it’s important for parents to make space for each child to feel seen and valued in their own right.

Intentional one to one time is one of the greatest protective factors for siblings.  Small moments of one-to-one connection, listening to concerns without rushing to fix them, and recognising each child’s strengths can help strengthen sibling relationships and create a family environment where everyone feels they belong.

In Practice:

Even short, predictable time helps:

weekly coffee / hot chocolate trip

short walk together

watching a show together

driving somewhere together

If this resonates with your experience as a parent, you may find it helpful to talk things through with someone who understands the complexities of neurodivergent family life.

At Family Avenues, we offer supportive parent consultations where we can explore practical strategies tailored to your family.

Being a professional and a SEN parent

Knowledge does not protect you from trauma when it’s your own child.

I was a social worker long before I became a parent. I worked with hundreds of children and families, professional networks and family courts under all kinds of different circumstances. I knew so much about attachment and child development and how these can be affected by different childhood experiences. 

But, in the early days of my career, neurodivergence wasn’t something we were trained to look out for let alone support people with. How I’d love to turn the clock and be back in the living room of so many parents and give them better advice and guidance. I’m sharing this because I have been ‘that professional’ who doesn’t get it. But I DID care. And when awareness and research started to improve, I embraced this and adapted my practice accordingly. 

My two children are both autistic and yet they couldn’t be more different. My daughter also has other associated conditions and requires a lot more support both at home and at school. 

Around the same time my son was diagnosed as Autistic at age 10, my daughter who is 3 years younger than him, hit burnout. Overnight my happy bouncy sparkly girl deteriorated before our eyes and I hadn’t seen it coming because her neurodivergence didn’t present the same as her brother’s - shocker right?! 

However, because of my job, and because I was lucky enough to have professional friends, I was able to quickly recognise what was happening. Then very soon after, Emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) hit. 

As a professional, I could articulate what was going on. And I did. I put everything in writing and kept paper trails. I accessed every resource I could to get my daughter’s needs diagnosed and supported. But, being her mum, what I couldn’t have been prepared for was the emotional toll. The shock of seeing my child suffer so significantly floored me. I had to learn how to care for my own mental health through this crisis. 

About a year later it was apparent that my daughter would need an EHCP to be able to access enough support for her to remain in education. You would think that being a professional would make it easier to navigate the EHCP process wouldn’t you? It didn’t. 

In fact, it made it worse. Because I wasn’t a professional in my daughter’s world. I was ‘just mum.’ I won’t go into the ins and outs of our EHCP journey but to many, it would be all too familiar. The frustration I have felt at times has driven me to despair. Because I knew what was supposed to happen, I knew what my daughter needed and I followed every due process but too often found myself forced to fight for the right outcome. I am writing this in past tense but as fellow SEND parents know, there may be milestones but there is no finish line. 

That said, I have made allies along the way which has made it all easier than it would have been otherwise. Once my daughter’s school understood the gravity of what she was going through they really got on board and have bent over backwards to help her and also help get the right provisions secured in her EHCP. I enlisted an incredible advocate who has taught me so much and given me the confidence to shout from the rooftops for my child’s legal rights. 

So, what I’m saying is that if you are a professional, whether that be a social worker, teacher, mental health professional or health care worker, and find yourself navigating SEND parenthood, I get it. It’s conflicting, infuriating and empowering all at the same time. And it doesn’t matter how qualified you are; knowledge doesn’t protect you from trauma when it’s your own child! 

And it’s absolutely ok to feel every emotion and seek any support you need to look after you. You must put your own oxygen mask on first in order to keep doing what you need to do for your child. 

How to be a confident parent.

When my child was a baby, I read all the books — the sleep routines, the feeding guides, the “do this, not that” manuals. Each one had a different method. Each one promised it was the right way. I remember feeling completely confused and overwhelmed by all the mixed messages. In the end, I physically threw all the books in the bin and decided to do it my way.

Since my child’s diagnosis, that decision has become even more important.

I parent differently to how I was parented.
I parent differently to my friends who have neurotypical children.
I know they sometimes think I’m too soft… or too strict.
And yes, I do things as a parent of an autistic child that other parents might be horrified by.

But here’s the thing — I’ve learnt not to care.
I parent my child in the way they need to be parented, and in the way that works for us.

So…

If they need their iPad to regulate — I won’t be confiscating it.

No, we don’t visit Father Christmas. They’d hate it.

If they want to eat dinner in their bedroom because they’re dysregulated — so be it.

If they need an occasional duvet day from school to reset — so be it.

If they want to do homework sitting on the kitchen floor — so be it.

These are your children. This is your parenting journey.

You know your child better than anyone.  Have confidence in the way you choose to meet their needs.

And if anyone questions it, just smile and say:

“We do what works for us.”

At Family Avenues, we believe there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting — just the one that works for you and your child.