Top tips for overwhelmed parenting

Top tips for overwhelmed parenting:

We talk to parents everyday who have hit burnout.  To be frank we have all been there too.  The weight of everything is heavy: the constant mental load, the to do list that only ever grows, being the lead (for some the only) parent.  

For me personally the standards in my house are at base level (or if I am being brutally honest and allowing the shame to shine through - well below):  dishes can be piled up, washing gets washed but left in the washer or put out and I forget to bring it in.

I always said the kids will eat the same food as us (along with a whole load of things I said before I was a parent).  We did baby-led weaning and our kids all loved their food.  Until now.

I now make at least two meals and my eldest only eats food they have prepared themselves. I have no problem with this EXCEPT for the additional cleaning this creates (seriously how many pots can one family use in one day?).  I am no domestic goddess.  Never have been, never aspired to be and never will be (although I wouldn’t mind the pointy boobs, cinched waste and pretty dresses!).

So when I feel like I am heading for a crash I activate survival mode. I set the game to its easiest setting:

Reduce demands – for me that means I delegate the washing up to the older two children.  They are not happy about it but they are old enough to understand that we live in this house together and we need to help each other out.  Yes, there have been times when they have asked me to do something and I have explained – sorry I can’t do that because I have to clean the kitchen.  Feel free to dig in with me and maybe we will have time.

Basic meal plans – all of us fed is more important than worrying about what veg they have or haven’t eaten today.  Without a meal plan I don’t get usable food and if it was just me I just wouldn’t eat so a meal plan is a must when survival mode is activated.

Top tip – there are loads of ready made easy meal plans on the internet.  Just put in your needs to a search and something will come up (eg: family of 5, one veggie, one who’s foods cannot touch, cannot be wet)

Food shopping becomes basic – order click and collect or delivery.

Delegate where you can – this might just be asking a neighbour to help with the school run or asking your partner/sister/brother/aunt/friend/etc to grab your click and collect.

Body doubling – there are apps for that!  There are little cartoon body doublers that you can play on your computer whilst you work, do the dishes or sort the washing.  Even now I have a “Adult ADHD focus” pre-made playlist from Amazon Music playing.

Take the win – 10 minute focus.  Don’t aim to clean a room but instead I am going to take 10mins and put all the shoes away.  Set a timer.  Reward yourself when you complete your task.

It is totally ok to sit on the sofa and feel sorry for yourself but try not let yourself wallow for too long.

You have to remember that you are a warrior parent carrying far more than many people realise.  You are carrying an enormous load, which becomes even heavier when you are worried about your children.

Try to reframe things - For example, today I have three children at home.  I could (and have in the past) sat and felt like I and they are failing because of that.

Today I am thankful that I have been able to see that they are struggling, understood where they are within their window of tolerance.  I am thankful that I have supported their needs and avoided both a meltdown and a shutdown.  Same situation different perspective.  That does not mean meltdowns or shutdowns are always avoidable, or that we have failed when they happen.  They aren’t and we haven’t.

I hope that my children will look back on their childhood and see that they had parents who understood their needs, parented them as best they could and nurtured their souls, played to their strengths and taught them to self-advocate.

Please remember you are never alone. There are loads of us out there.  Look on social media for your local SEND groups and organisations.  Reach out to us at Family Avenues.  We can book a Family Avenues call with you to explore the biggest struggle right now and help you come up with a real/manageable plan.

If you want more information or are not ready to book yet drop us an email and we will be in touch to explain more.

I get it, she’s a lot, but……

Often, when I find myself advocating for my daughter after someone has mishandled a situation, I find myself pre-facing it with ‘I get it…’

And I do get it. My daughter has ADHD. She can’t take medication for it because it exacerbates her OCD. She is also Autistic and doesn’t pick up on social cues when she is being ‘too loud,’ ‘too impulsive,’ ‘too hyper,’ ‘disruptive,’ ‘unfiltered.’ The list goes on.

But when people mistake all of this for being ‘overconfident’ they think she can handle it when they get frustrated with her. And she absolutely cannot.

Masking is something ADHD girls in particular are expert at. When my daughter was being assessed her teacher wrote on the school forms that she ‘has no trouble sitting still and in the classroom you wouldn’t know she was there as she is so quiet.’ I cried when I read that because that does not describe my daughter at all. I knew the amount of effort going into sitting still and not drawing attention to herself had already come at a significant expense and as a result she was now in burnout and we were scrambling to learn how to help her recover.

Since then, my daughter’s primary school had a better understanding of her needs. She stopped going to the clubs she had previously enjoyed because she was so worried about being told off if she got excited. We joined a group for Autistic girls where she could be herself. A huge amount of effort and resources has gone into accessing the right mental health support for her and an educational environment that can meet her needs when she starts secondary school in September.

A couple of months ago, for the first time in three years, I found myself saying ‘It’s like she’s her old self again.’

Because she was so relaxed, regulated, and genuinely cheerful. She was playing out with children on our street on their scooters, happily skipping off to school in the mornings, singing loudly without even realising and we were not seeing the distressing evidence of anxiety that had become part of daily life. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my child thriving. That is all any parent wants. And my daughter’s personality is what makes her sparkle and we love her so much for it.

However, we then saw the cycle again where people (peers and adults) would get frustrated with her and she would get into trouble. For being happy. Not because she was doing anything wrong. Not because she was ever remotely unkind.

And no matter how much I preface my  advocacy with ‘I get it but…’ the reality is what I was about to say constitutes to ‘you caused her significant distress for something she literally cannot control.’ And that absolutely breaks my heart.

Because, every time something happens where she has been excited, happy, impulsive, noisy, and she has been told she is ‘disrespectful’ or ‘hurting my ears’ or ‘not listening,’ what she takes from that is that she let the mask slip and she must fix it back on in order to protect herself.

That might make those people feel more content around her. But that mask is unsustainable for her nervous system.

So; whether you are the relative, friend, teacher or any other professional… If you are lucky enough to have a sparkly ADHD child in your life – please look beyond their presentation and don’t mistake ‘confidence’ for being able to receive negative feedback from you.

Redirect them, or gently explain something to them without embarrassing them.

But please, please, don’t dim their sparkle.

Children’s book recommendations

Here are some books that are great for children and either include neurodivergent characters or have an neurodivergent theme.

*as ever, none of these are sponsored, just books we love!