Being a professional and a SEND parent
Knowledge does not protect you from trauma when it’s your own child.
I was a social worker long before I became a parent. I worked with hundreds of children and families, professional networks and family courts under all kinds of different circumstances. I knew so much about attachment and child development and how these can be affected by different childhood experiences.
But, in the early days of my career, neurodivergence wasn’t something we were trained to look out for let alone support people with. How I’d love to turn the clock and be back in the living room of so many parents and give them better advice and guidance. I’m sharing this because I have been ‘that professional’ who doesn’t get it. But I DID care. And when awareness and research started to improve, I embraced this and adapted my practice accordingly.
My two children are both autistic and yet they couldn’t be more different. My daughter also has other associated conditions and requires a lot more support both at home and at school.
Around the same time my son was diagnosed as Autistic at age 10, my daughter who is 3 years younger than him, hit burnout. Overnight my happy bouncy sparkly girl deteriorated before our eyes and I hadn’t seen it coming because her neurodivergence didn’t present the same as her brother’s - shocker right?!
However, because of my job, and because I was lucky enough to have professional friends, I was able to quickly recognise what was happening. Then very soon after, Emotionally based school avoidance (EBSA) hit.
As a professional, I could articulate what was going on. And I did. I put everything in writing and kept paper trails. I accessed every resource I could to get my daughter’s needs diagnosed and supported. But, being her mum, what I couldn’t have been prepared for was the emotional toll. The shock of seeing my child suffer so significantly floored me. I had to learn how to care for my own mental health through this crisis.
About a year later it was apparent that my daughter would need an EHCP to be able to access enough support for her to remain in education. You would think that being a professional would make it easier to navigate the EHCP process wouldn’t you? It didn’t.
In fact, it made it worse. Because I wasn’t a professional in my daughter’s world. I was ‘just mum.’ I won’t go into the ins and outs of our EHCP journey but to many, it would be all too familiar. The frustration I have felt at times has driven me to despair. Because I knew what was supposed to happen, I knew what my daughter needed and I followed every due process but too often found myself forced to fight for the right outcome. I am writing this in past tense but as fellow SEND parents know, there may be milestones but there is no finish line.
That said, I have made allies along the way which has made it all easier than it would have been otherwise. Once my daughter’s school understood the gravity of what she was going through they really got on board and have bent over backwards to help her and also help get the right provisions secured in her EHCP. I enlisted an incredible advocate who has taught me so much and given me the confidence to shout from the rooftops for my child’s legal rights.
So, what I’m saying is that if you are a professional, whether that be a social worker, teacher, mental health professional or health care worker, and find yourself navigating SEND parenthood, I get it. It’s conflicting, infuriating and empowering all at the same time. And it doesn’t matter how qualified you are; knowledge doesn’t protect you from trauma when it’s your own child!
And it’s absolutely ok to feel every emotion and seek any support you need to look after you. You must put your own oxygen mask on first in order to keep doing what you need to do for your child.