Siblings: managing different needs
I was talking to a family last week about how to juggle the needs of different siblings and the challenges this can bring. When there are neurodivergent siblings in a family, parents are often balancing very different needs at the same time. One child may need significant support, flexibility or accommodation, while another may appear more independent or able to cope with everyday demands.
Over time, this can create complicated feelings within the family. Some siblings may feel overlooked, confused by different boundaries, or unsure why expectations seem to vary. These feelings are entirely understandable and deserve space to be acknowledged.
In practice:
“It makes sense that it might feel unfair sometimes when your brother needs more support and attention.”
“You don’t get less love but it might sometimes look like she gets more attention”.
“Your sister’s brain reacts very strongly to demands, so sometimes we have to approach things differently.”
“That can make it look like the rules are different, and I understand why that feels frustrating.”
Honesty about a situation builds trust.
One helpful way to approach this is to focus on the difference between fairness and equality. Equality means everyone receives the same thing, but fairness recognises that different children sometimes need different types of support.
In Practice:
“Fair doesn’t always mean the same. Sometimes people need different things.”
Examples that work well with teens:
Glasses for someone who can’t see
Crutches for a broken leg
Extra time in exams
Open conversations can help siblings understand this without dismissing their feelings. At the same time, it’s important for parents to make space for each child to feel seen and valued in their own right.
Intentional one to one time is one of the greatest protective factors for siblings. Small moments of one-to-one connection, listening to concerns without rushing to fix them, and recognising each child’s strengths can help strengthen sibling relationships and create a family environment where everyone feels they belong.
In Practice:
Even short, predictable time helps:
weekly coffee / hot chocolate trip
short walk together
watching a show together
driving somewhere together
If this resonates with your experience as a parent, you may find it helpful to talk things through with someone who understands the complexities of neurodivergent family life.
At Family Avenues, we offer supportive parent consultations where we can explore practical strategies tailored to your family.