Valentine’s Day, Autism, and Relationships

Supporting Autistic Young People with Friendships, Love, and Connection

Valentine’s Day is everywhere in February. Hearts, flowers, romance, friendship bracelets, and endless messages about what relationships should look like.

For many autistic young people, this time of year can bring up big feelings – curiosity, confusion, longing, excitement, anxiety, or a sense of being “out of step” with their peers.  And for parents and professionals, it often raises questions:

• Do they want relationships?

• How do friendships and romantic feelings show up for autistic young people?

• How do we support them without pushing or protecting too much?

There’s no single autistic experience of relationships – but there are common differences worth understanding.

Relationships Aren’t Less Important – They’re Often Experienced Differently

A common myth is that autistic people are “less interested” in friendships or romantic relationships.  In reality, many autistic young people deeply want connection – but may experience it, express it, or approach it differently from neurotypical peers.

Some autistic young people may:

• Prefer one or two very close relationships rather than a wide friendship group

• Feel overwhelmed by the unwritten rules of socialising

• Experience emotions very intensely but struggle to express them in expected ways

• Take language literally, which can make flirting, teasing, or “mixed messages” confusing

• Need more time alone to recover from social interaction

None of this means they don’t care. Often, it means they care a lot – sometimes so much that relationships feel risky or exhausting.

Friendship Can Look Different – And That’s Okay

Neurotypical friendships are often built around frequent contact, shared activities, and constant communication. Autistic friendships may look quieter, deeper, or more interest-based.

For example:

• A friendship based on gaming, animals, trains, or art may feel far more meaningful than casual chat

• Seeing a friend once a month might feel perfect rather than “not enough”

• Parallel play or shared silence can feel connecting, not awkward

Difficulties can arise when autistic young people are judged against neurotypical friendship norms, rather than supported to build relationships that suit them.

Romantic Relationships and Sexuality: Curiosity, Vulnerability, and Risk

As autistic young people grow older, romantic and sexual feelings often emerge in the same way they do for neurotypical peers – but navigating them can be more complex.

Autistic young people may:

• Take people at their word, increasing vulnerability to exploitation

• Miss red flags or struggle to recognise unhealthy dynamics

• Find rejection deeply dysregulating

• Need explicit teaching around consent, boundaries, and online safety

• Feel intense attachment very quickly

Avoiding these conversations doesn’t protect autistic young people – it increases risk. Honest, clear, developmentally appropriate discussions are essential.

How Parents and Professionals Can Help

1. Talk openly – and literally

Avoid euphemisms and assumptions. Clear, direct language helps autistic young people make sense of relationships, consent, and expectations.

2. Validate difference, not deficit

Instead of trying to make relationships look “normal”, support young people to understand their preferences, needs, and limits.

3. Teach boundaries explicitly

Boundaries don’t come naturally to everyone. They often need to be taught, practised, and revisited – for both physical and emotional relationships.

4. Support regulation around relationships

Friendship and romance can be incredibly dysregulating. Helping young people understand their nervous system responses (anxiety, shutdown, overwhelm) is just as important as social skills.

5. Be curious, not panicked

If a young person shows intense feelings, withdraws socially, or becomes fixated on someone, curiosity and support are far more helpful than alarm or control.

A Final Thought for Valentine’s Day

Love, connection, and belonging are human needs – but they don’t come in one shape.

For autistic young people, relationships may be slower, quieter, more intense, more fragile or beautifully unique.  Our role isn’t to force them into neurotypical moulds – it’s to help them understand themselves, stay safe, and build connections that genuinely work for them.

And that, Valentine’s Day or not, is something worth supporting all year round!